1. The moon was beautifully full, and the stars shone like diamonds in the sky.
( The moon dangled overhead like a stryrofoam ball painted yellow, surrounded by aluminum foil stars suspended from a science project mobile.)
2. We held hands and let the breeze dance in our hair, while the ocean waves tickled our feet.
( Like a couple filming a commercial, the wind machine transformed our hair as our fingers embraced tightly. Seaweed scrubbed our feet as we performed a slow jog at the edge of the ocean.)
Beverly, I’m digging your attempt to give the sky this science project feel. The contrast reminds me of looking at astronomy and solar system picture books, then the carnal reaction when you go outside and really look at the sky, but your point of reference will always be books.I also like the second sentence, especially the idea of a wind machine; it adds this filmy quality, as if ‘this couldn’t be happening’ except on TV. For the first sentence I would like to see more with the colors of the moon, what kind of yellow paint? Were the stars store bought or Reynolds wrap aluminum foil? Those kinds of details would make it even better. Additionally, I have similar comments for the second sentence; I would like to see more showing of the commercial and what kind of wind the wind machine creates.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your response. You gave me some good ideas to work with for improvement.
DeleteSeaweed scrubbed our feet at the edge of the ocean.
ReplyDeleteNow that's a nice line. "Performed" is too clunky a word, a Latinate word. Also, you want to ensure that you avoid any hint of the lovers jogging in slow motion down the beach. It's an image we've seen too many times.